Drowning

Double double down
down and 'round I go
spinning out of control
and
drowinging
in your double standards.

"You can't do that!" says you
But "that"? Is exactly what
YOU do.
And you get a pass
to act catty
and crass
to straight up show your ass
whenever the mood strikes you.
I want that consideration too.
But what I want most?
Is to be nothing at all like you.

Double double down
down and 'round I go
spinning out of control
and
drowning.

I'm not that

It's none of my business what you think of me
but the truth is you probably don't.

It's not on me force you to see where I'm coming from;
I know you won't.

The effort that's wasted -
the years I have chased it
this dream I can taste it
where you recognize I'm not that.

But I'll go to my grave
a self-captive slave
trying to disprove a negative.

And all that is left
are the negatives
in that drawer
and a never-win score
and my team that alone takes the field.

Cuz you're not in my league
and I'm not in your head
and sooner or later
you and I will be dead
and none of this shit will have mattered one shred.

As it is, my matter only matters to me
and it's none of my business what you think about that.
It's not on me to make you see I'm not that.

The Dive

Hey!
Heeey!
Can you hear me?
Watch me, grandma!
Are you watching?
I'm at the lip of the pool
taking dives
so you'll watch
and clap
and tell the other souls
that I'm thriving.
Tell them about my drive
and my will to survive
and the horrors
you didn't save me from.

Did you try?
And I just couldn't hear you?
I just couldn't see?
You standing on the lip, and calling out to me?
Did you attempt the dive
to sink to my side
to warn me?
Because I know you -
and you would've
You'd have done anything you could've
to save your Girly Girly this pain.

And because I saw and heard nothing
I fear you're not here
anymore.

Grandma are you there?
Have you seen Madison?
Should I keep calling out?
or are you really gone?
'Cause I need you if I'm gonna carry on.
Fuck, I miss you so much.
You live on in my mind
but my mind's not enough
'Cause I'm here at the Country Club
and though they tore it down
I'm standing on the lip
I'm fearing I'll drown.
But I won't if you're there to catch me.

Hey!
Heeey!
Are you here?
Are you watching?
Are you near and I just
cannot hear
you?
Grandma please
PLEASE
say you're somewhere - anywhere
clapping for me
Say Madison's there.
Tell me I can let go and fall free
and that even if I miss
Heaven's waiting for me
Tell me I will see you again.
Tell me I will see you again.
Tell me I will hold you again.

Hey!
Heeey!