Friday, July 16, 2021

Drowning

Double double down
down and 'round I go
spinning out of control
and
drowinging
in your double standards.

"You can't do that!" says you
But "that"? Is exactly what
YOU do.
And you get a pass
to act catty
and crass
to straight up show your ass
whenever the mood strikes you.
I want that consideration too.
But what I want most?
Is to be nothing at all like you.

Double double down
down and 'round I go
spinning out of control
and
drowning.

I'm not that

It's none of my business what you think of me
but the truth is you probably don't.

It's not on me force you to see where I'm coming from;
I know you won't.

The effort that's wasted -
the years I have chased it
this dream I can taste it
where you recognize I'm not that.

But I'll go to my grave
a self-captive slave
trying to disprove a negative.

And all that is left
are the negatives
in that drawer
and a never-win score
and my team that alone takes the field.

Cuz you're not in my league
and I'm not in your head
and sooner or later
you and I will be dead
and none of this shit will have mattered one shred.

As it is, my matter only matters to me
and it's none of my business what you think about that.
It's not on me to make you see I'm not that.

Tuesday, July 6, 2021

The Dive

Hey!
Heeey!
Can you hear me?
Watch me, grandma!
Are you watching?
I'm at the lip of the pool
taking dives
so you'll watch
and clap
and tell the other souls
that I'm thriving.
Tell them about my drive
and my will to survive
and the horrors
you didn't save me from.

Did you try?
And I just couldn't hear you?
I just couldn't see?
You standing on the lip, and calling out to me?
Did you attempt the dive
to sink to my side
to warn me?
Because I know you -
and you would've
You'd have done anything you could've
to save your Girly Girly this pain.

And because I saw and heard nothing
I fear you're not here
anymore.

Grandma are you there?
Have you seen Madison?
Should I keep calling out?
or are you really gone?
'Cause I need you if I'm gonna carry on.
Fuck, I miss you so much.
You live on in my mind
but my mind's not enough
'Cause I'm here at the Country Club
and though they tore it down
I'm standing on the lip
I'm fearing I'll drown.
But I won't if you're there to catch me.

Hey!
Heeey!
Are you here?
Are you watching?
Are you near and I just
cannot hear
you?
Grandma please
PLEASE
say you're somewhere - anywhere
clapping for me
Say Madison's there.
Tell me I can let go and fall free
and that even if I miss
Heaven's waiting for me
Tell me I will see you again.
Tell me I will see you again.
Tell me I will hold you again.

Hey!
Heeey!

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Ally

I looked at that girl and thought, "No one will love me."
Stood at my mirror, scoffed, and called her ugly.
A bully with a club, I beat her down daily.

I was wrong.

Erin, I was wrong, and I'm sorry.

You were so strong, and I was so petty.
Making you feel stupid and unpretty,
when all the time, you were the best of me, really.
Out on your own and finally alone
you were learning to live bravely.
In school and earning your own
sagely.
My only job at the time was your safety
and developing your mind.

I failed you. And I'm sorry.

I can't undo damage already done
but I can promise you to do better from now on.
I can promise to lift up the person
I once thought didn't deserve
the dreams she worked so hard to achieve.

I'm so sorry, Erin. Please forgive me.

You were beautiful and smart, and God, oh so strong.
You took risks, sought your truth
I should have come along
not in protest, riding your back, knife in hand
but holding you up, encouraging you and your plans.
Shoulda told you you were more than enough
Shoulda fought for you when things were tough
Shoulda told you to never give up!

Girl, NEVER GIVE UP!
NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER GIVE UP!

Give no fucks about the fucks who're like I was
the ones with the knives and no lives
who can't see the hustle without shouting it down
the ones who tell you the odds 'stead of helping your ends
the jealous ones that aren't really your friends.
Who knows where you coulda been
shoulda been
If I'd have just been
who I shoulda been
back then.

My only defense is that I didn't know better
but now I do
so I'm gonna do
what I shoulda done back then.

Erin: you're brilliant.

You are a divine manifestation of life.
You have great ideas, and you know how to write.
You write circles 'round those whose bylines reach millions.
Erin, my girl, you are one in a million.
On any day, you can sing, dance, and act.
It's been a while, but you can always go back.
It's not over for you. You're not past your prime.
You didn't waste your life.
And if they don't want you? YOU'RE STILL MINE.

I WANT YOU.
I NEED YOU.
I SEE YOUR VALUE.

And when the time comes
cuz change is inevitable
I'll be your constant
telling you you're incredible
credible
charitable
pleasurable
venerable
exceptional.
And if I could choose to be anyone
my answer would finally be you
and I'm sorry again for all I put you through.
From now til forever I'll be the one
to treasure you and cheer you on
like others - and I - should've done.
You're not alone.
I love you.
You're not alone.

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Seeds and Hurdles

What sucks is that I think you're honestly trying.

What sucks is, maybe this really is the best you can do.

What sucks is that you're putting up hurdles between yourself and your professed goals.
I try to show you this

and, rather than take the barriers down
you throw up a few more
between you and me.

You think it's all my fault.

And I'll accept some blame.

But you?

Don't accept any.

And it's a shame.

Not just for me - though it does impact me too
what you fail to realize is that it's a shame for you.

You know enough to buy the seeds, and put the seeds outside
but you plant them along rocky road
and any blooms have died.

It's one step forward and a million back with you.

You live life thinking the Band Aid should be enough
but you refuse to clean the wound.

And anyone with the audacity to tell you it's turning septic?
Is doomed.

What sucks is that, maybe the Band Aid is all you're capable of.
Maybe the Band Aid is your only concept of love?

You think I can't see that you're trying
but that just isn't the case.
I see you're working feverishly
but sabatoging your own race.

It breaks my heart to see it
breaks my heart that you cannot
breaks my heart to know that inside
you're giving it all you've got.

Seeds and hurdles.

Seeds and hurdles.

And Band Aids on mistakes.

What sucks is, you probably learned this.
But you can unlearn it too.
and if I had one wish between us
that'd be my wish for you.

I wish that you'd put down the Band Aids
and finally clean out the wound.

I wish that you'd take down the hurdles.
They're tripping everyone in the room.

I wish that, before casting seeds
you'd address the soil - the needs
of the blooms.

Without water and light

all that effort and might

is doomed.

And no amount of fight - ing

will right the beds in your head

that wither in your hands.

It breaks my heart to see it.

It breaks my heart to be it.

It breaks my heart to know that inside
you're giving it all you've got
just to watch it rot
and die.

Seeds and hurdles.

Seeds and hurdles.

I'm sorry

I am not a very thoughtful person.

I want to be - I just kinda don't know how.

Know that friend who magicaly shows up with exactly what you need when you're in a bind?

I want to be that person.

The desire is there...

but when those situations arise, I am so emotionally stunted - so compassionately stupid - that I just kind of freeze.

My heart goes out to you. My thoughts are with you. I do actually pray for you. I send impotent words to comfort you...

But I do not know how to be the friend, sister, daughter, wife that I want to be.

This failing presents itself so often...and I cry about it...I've even read "The 5 Love Languages" and watched videos etc on how to address it. But the "answers" still don't come to me.

I have 2 friends presently in the hospital, and I feel powerless to help them.

I verbally offer to help - but that's not the same thing as, for example, when Elizabeth found out I was going to get my drug infusion and composed a list of podcasts for me to listen to while I'm in the chair for hours.

Elizabeth? Knows how to care about people.

And I murder my soul about the fact that I do not.

I tell myself terrible things - like that this is why it's probably best that I am not a mother - because I have this shocking inadequacy I cannot seem to overcome.

If you're in any way close to me - I want to love you. I honestly do. I just don't know how.

Loving is supposed to be easy and effortless, but it isn't for me.

And for that I am sorry.

It's not a failing of yours - it's an inadequacy of mine.

Sunday, April 4, 2021

I literally have no idea why I am here

I literally have no idea why I am here.
Like most, I was gifted a modicum of talent.
And please trust me when I say I did what I could to develop it - at least within the bounds of my undertsanding.
I got degrees and volunteered and autditioned and wrote and campaigned.
Some people make headway. Some don't.
I repeatedly fell into the latter category.
It still bothers me.
And stories like, "Don't give up! So-and-so was 85 before they did whatever-it-is-they're-famous for!" don't really rouse me much.
Because I've seen a pattern - there's a certain "type" of person who makes it in this world.
It's difficult to define, but you know it when you see it - hell, the French even came up with a phrase for it.
As for the rest of us?
The greatest artists of all time died in anonymity.
No one ever knew their names.
The ones we know were middle of the road.
In the grand scheme.
Think about that...
I think about that.
I literally have no idea why I am here.
I have ideas but they live and die with me.
I try to share them, but nobody's listening.
I cannot sell them. Nobody's buying.
We're kind to others because we want to be liked.
Or because Heaven is watching.
Hell, too, I guess.
The greatest brains of all time died in anonymity.
Or were martyred.
Not a great choice there.
If I just had money or time or health or energy.
Seems all I've got are excuses.
And an extra 30 pounds.
If each pound were a piece of silver
maybe I, too, could sell my soul
and at least end up in the text.
As a villain, sure.
but THAT I've accomplished.
Told by every Janus that shared my genes
the degrees
to which I am loved and hated.
I literally have no idea why I am here.
I discarded Greer
but what the fuck is Miller?
What is this flesh with neuropathy and livedo?
The heart pills. The sleep pills.
The steroids are thinning my teeth.
The healthiest humans of all time died in anonymity.
Their bones lie like yours and like mine.
Ever seen those outlines
of the dead at Pompeii
and wondered who were they?
Like most, they were gifted with a modicum of talent.
Did they work to develop it - at least within the bounds of their understanding?
Are any of them left standing?
I literally have no idea why I am here.
I don't know how much longer I will stay.