Saturday, September 17, 2022

The Bellamy Jar

I kept your shoes and wore them
at least a decade past the time
I shoulda thrown them in your face.

But then you've never known your place
and I never knew my place
with you.

Because it wasn't.

Saturday, September 3, 2022

Buster

The house is empty
echoing the cavernous loss.
I thought we'd have another day
another day with you.
aother day, then maybe
I'd get through.

Your bed is empty
it used to be so full
like the heart you shared completely...
In the end I hope you knew,

that our lives are lost without you
that we'll never be the same
that we'll never be the ones we were
in the years before you came.

That your love had healing powers
and your smile the brightest light
that you'll be with us forever
though we lost you late last night.

If ever there were angels
you surely were the best
and I pray gods real or imagined
grant you peaceful rest.

And if there is a Heaven
I eagerly await
the chance to see you smiling
waiting at the Pearly Gate.

In the mean time
we will bide time
until we meet again
When I can hold you close to me
you perfect, precious friend.

You have our hearts completely.
and never will there be
another day upon this earth
where you weren't the world to me.

Suppose I should be thankful
for the time we got to share
for the year of smiles and laughter
for the perfect love and care

But I admit that I'm not there...

I'm just not there...

I want you here.

I want you here.

I want you here.

Friday, September 2, 2022

Grave

Ask the Buddah - Life is pain
Hindus say we'll live again
Christians that the Son will save

I believe the grave.

Ask the Jains, and they might say
the soul can and will return some way
Egyptians?
Let Osirus weigh
the merits of the heart.

I believe the grave.

Muslims have their Akhirah
And Jews in Gan Eden.
I believe in men -
craven, broken, brave.

I believe the grave.

Wednesday, July 27, 2022

Panther Pride

My greatest fear should be dying. Or - worse - being buried alive.

Fuck it. Yes. THAT'S my greatest fear.

But rounding out the Top 10 is Athens, GA.

I went to undergrad there, and I fucking hated that place.

While everyone else was partying, pursuing their passions, discovering themselves, I was nursing a daily nervous breakdown.

Even as an idiot 18 year old, I knew I didn't belong there.

Thing is though, I was an idiot 18 year old with a fragile sense of self of nonexistant support system. So I stayed.

I stayed because I had no idea where else to go.

Other than taking Cipro, attending UGA and not having the direction or the help to leave is likely my biggest regret. And let's sit with that knowledge for a moment - the worst thing to happen to me outside of being systemically poisoned was attending the fucking University of Georgia.

Yeah.

Now you have some semblence of an idea the damage that decision caused.

I still have nightmares about it - and a graduated in 2003.

Perhaps even more haunting than the suffering I endured there is the knowledge that, had I gone somewhere where my talents were nurtured, maybe some things in my present day would be different... Better.

Maybe I would've played Sally Bowles somewhere...

But we cannot undo the past. And I like to think I changed some things and made better choices around age 30, when I went to grad school at Georgia State University.

I loved it there, and had professors who offered me the opportunities and nurturing support that the idiot at 18 lacked.


I met some really incredible people, some of whom remain my friends to this day.

As long as I live, I will be forever grateful for that time, and proud of myself for learning, growing, and making better choices.

And as long as I live, I will get a knot in my stomach when I think of Athens, GA.

But we cannot undo the past.

We can, however, never go back there.

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

First

Thought this was over
thought you were gone
but
you were in my dreams last night...
guess the pain lives on.

Thursday, May 26, 2022

The Pain

Wanted a wave -
was there even a ripple?

Mighty waterfall?
merely a trickle.

The sound and the fury
no louder than crickets

Mere seeds, remain buried
in forests of thickets

Brambles blocking
names etched in stone
blurred and reclaimed by rain.

Incessant silence
fragments of bone
are all that attest to the pain.

Monday, May 23, 2022

Oedipus Complex

The story of Oedipus always bothered me.

MacBeth, too. And for similar reasons.

Namely because, when told by an oracle or some witches what their futures were, both Oedipus (or, more accurately, his parents), and MacBeth do everything possible to avoid the prophesied Fate.

And, in doing so, they therefore assure said Fate comes to pass.

In each case, the Fate prophesied never would have come to pass if Oedipus' parents and Macbeth hadn't heard the prophecies to begin with.

It's maddening.

And it happened to me...

Many of you know the story - the bare bones anyway - of how I got sick.

What you probably DON'T know, however, is that it was the very fear of contracting Parkinson's Disease that led me on the path to developing it.

My grandfather died of Parkinson's Disease.

I watched him deteriorate for years, and it was the most horrifying thing I've ever witnessed.

At the time - and even now - I truly felt and feel that Parkinson's is one of the most terrible Fates that can befall someone, as one has to endure one's innate bodily functions abandon them, all the while cognitively knowing what's happening and knowing it will only get worse.

Knowing that you will suffer endlessly, and likely eventually die by suffocating on your own saliva.

I swore when I watched this happen to my grandfather that I would never let this happen to me.

And thus, when the gastro prescribed me Cipro AND a medicine whose warnings included medication-induced Parkinsonism, I decided to cease the Parkinsonism medication, instead of discontinuing the Cipro.

The Cipro gave me so many symptoms, I ran to doctors again, where I was given more antibiotics and iron - a combination known to science to cause lasting damage to the body - and was put on my current path that is mimicking Parkinson's Disease, and, can indeed cause it.

I have been sick for 7 years. I was a few years in when I discovered the literature that shows that overexposure to antibiotics has been found to be a cause of Parkinson's Disease.

I was a few years in when I discovered the literature that shows the epigentic changes that Cipro causes in the susceptible can lead to Parkinson's disease.

So, like Oedipus and MacBeth, I was running from a Fate I feared, and ironically that run landed me in the very spot I'd been striving to avoid.

Yes, I've always hated the stories of Oedipus and MacBeth. And now I am living them.