Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Not Alike

I'm getting worse.


Seeing the doctors

who either don't know or don't care.

When you don't get help, you do the research yourself.

But that's how I was disabled to begin with.

A few perplexing symptoms

a few docs who wouldn't listen/do anything

a doc who yelled at me: "Don't read the warnings. You'll never take another med again."

Same doc snidely says see a gastro.

I do.

And I ask him for antibiotics.

Because could this be an infection? No other docs have any ideas. Other than "psychosomatic." Which I'm not buying.

A few weeks -a few twists and turns and mistakes by me and my doctors later - and I am disabled.

4 years later and it's getting worse.

Always worse, despite prayer. Or treatment. Or avoiding treatment.

Don't go back to doctors - they won't believe you or won't care.

Go back to doctors, desperate for help - they won't believe you or won't care.

The guilt is irrepressible.

If only if only if only...

I read the stories of others who suffered likewise: Keller. Roosevelt. JFK.

How often did Roosevelt regret going on that one swim?

I don't know how much more time I have on this earth.

And if I leave it soon, what legacy have I left?

What was the point?

Why all the pain?

What did I bring?

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