Seeing the doctors
who either don't know or don't care.
When you don't get help, you do the research yourself.
But that's how I was disabled to begin with.
A few perplexing symptoms
a few docs who wouldn't listen/do anything
a doc who yelled at me: "Don't read the warnings. You'll never take another med again."
Same doc snidely says see a gastro.
And I ask him for antibiotics.
Because could this be an infection? No other docs have any ideas. Other than "psychosomatic." Which I'm not buying.
A few weeks -a few twists and turns and mistakes by me and my doctors later - and I am disabled.
4 years later and it's getting worse.
Always worse, despite prayer. Or treatment. Or avoiding treatment.
Don't go back to doctors - they won't believe you or won't care.
Go back to doctors, desperate for help - they won't believe you or won't care.
The guilt is irrepressible.
If only if only if only...
I read the stories of others who suffered likewise: Keller. Roosevelt. JFK.
How often did Roosevelt regret going on that one swim?
I don't know how much more time I have on this earth.
And if I leave it soon, what legacy have I left?
What was the point?
Why all the pain?
What did I bring?