Thursday, October 27, 2016

I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. Or - how do you admire something you do not understand?

Often when a loved one is ill, those closest to him/her say something along the lines of "If I could take it away, I would." or "If only I could carry this burden, then you wouldn't have to."

Such statements baffle me.

Frankly because - if the are true - they mean you, whoever you are, are LIGHTYEARS more selfless than I.

Because if someone I loved got hit with what I presently have... I would struggle mightily with being able to say that I wished it was me instead of the other person.

I'm quite certain this makes me an asshole.

But this is a confession of sorts.

My attempt at being true.

I love my husband, my dog, and my family with an intensity that I cannot explain... but if I had the chance to be rid of this cornucopia of maladies by passing them off on another, I would.

It'd be with a heavy heart, mind you. I'm not a complete monster.

But if I could reclaim the health I lost by transitioning it off on a good samaritan offering to carry my load, I would in a heartbeat.

So for everyone who's offered to take this on for me, you best be glad God doesn't work that way... 'cause I'd feel bad about it, but I'm pretty sure I'd hand over this shit to anyone willing to take it.

That also said, if someone I loved was suffering, I don't think I could say with sincerity that I'd be willing to take on their burden.

Help to the degree I am able?

Absolutely.

Step up my game? Provide love and support? Even fucking COOK for them?

I'd do it.

But I would want to walk in their shoes.

And I cannot imagine a love so selfless that someone - anyone - anywhere would want to walk in mine.

Maybe y'all are just WAY better at this than I am.

Maybe you know what love is, and I don't.

Maybe your soul is more grown up than my soul and maybe I'll get there someday.

I don't know.

But for now, you should know, you're better than me.

And I can't say I even admire you for it.

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