Thursday, October 20, 2016

Anywhere is

Thousands - maybe millions - of people suffer from chronic illness.

We are not alone.

But we are so desperately, hopelessly alone.

I am desperately, hopelessly alone.

Both in my daily solitude - laying or sitting at the house, feeling a constant mixture of terrible and terrified

But also when in company.

It's not your fault... but I look at you... and I see what I used to be.

What I used to take for granted.

What I'd do anything to recover.

When you speak to me, despite your attempts to draw near, we remain helplessly, hopelessly galaxies apart.

It's not a competition - suffering

But even among my chronically ill friends, I seem to be separate.

For there are meds and methods and BELIEF for your illness

An illness, which, most times, your own body caused.

You bear no guilt

for your organic sickness.

But me?

Medicine made my illness

But it will not or cannot unmake it.

It certainly cannot manage it.

You cannot manage what you do not understand...

"I think I have an infection" - the words ring in my ears every day.

Not even the tinnitus can block it out.

My guilt.

I broke my beautiful body.

And it's still breaking...

Like my heart and my spirit.

I am so miserably, desperately lonely.

So often I have thought of Jesus - deferential Jew left lonely on the cross.

Joined by two others, yes, but still hopelessly, helplessly alone...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?"

I am in despair.

I am Judas.

But I cannot see the way out of my cage.

Physically and emotionally damned.

Each time by my own hand.

"Despair is the ultimate development of a pride so great and so stiff-necked that it selects the absolute misery of damnation rather than accept happiness from the hands of God and thereby acknowledge that He is above us and that we are not capable of fulfilling our destiny by ourselves."

I am alone in this cell.

Even among visitors, I am alone.

We all die alone.

But I never wanted to live this way...

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