Tuesday, August 16, 2016

the Woe of Leigh

Vivien Leigh was manic depressive. The disease was very misunderstood in her time, and she was subjected to electro-shock therapy. The damage was such that she would have episodes of insanity, where she truly believed she was the characters she played.

I think about Vivien a lot these days. I wonder if she would have been okay if not for the shocks. I wonder how many lives "modern" medicine has ruined. And yes, of course, I know... there are many it has saved.

Still, I can't help lamenting Vivien's fate. I can't help lamenting my own and the fates of others who were the "rare" cases of disastrous medical calamity.

I really need prayers, guys. I've had more than a year now to find the words to convey what is happening to me. They fail. For you can't write horror in words. Not really.

Maybe if enough people ask on my behalf... maybe then God or the Fates or the Universe will agree to mercy and healing.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I wish I were nothing at all like Vivien Leigh.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Severus Snape

I'm afraid God is calling me to suffer like Severus Snape.

I made one enormous, unforgivable mistake, and now I must live the rest of my life paying for that mistake.

There is no healing.

There is no comfort.

Just the knowledge that I screwed up royally and, no matter how much I may wish it, I can never take it back

...

I wanted to be Fawkes, rising from the ashes, reborn.

But Dumbledore remains mostly silent.

And when He does speak, it isn't words of comfort.

I am not the chosen one.

I will not die then rise again.

The poison is in me.

It's IN me.

Killing me slowly.

Painfully.

And Dumbledore isn't here to help me...