Thursday, September 6, 2012

Sweet, Sweet Pussy

I purchase perfumes with a zeal most women reserve for the acquisition of Jimmy Choos, so when I tell you that the lil' ol' lady at the grocery store smelled like manna from Heaven--well, you can rely on me as a credible expert.

I first caught her scent when she whizzed by me in her electronic wheelchair in the deli meats section. Such was the aroma that I simply could not help but turn my head.

Two packages of pita and some raspberries later, I encountered her--and her mountain of frizzy black hair--in the plums isle. I could not resist remarking... "Excuse me, ma'am? I couldn't help but notice that you smell AMAZING? May I ask what perfume you are wearing?"

With a smile, she said, "Of course. Come here and let me whisper in your ear."

Ummm...I found this odd...but, as I attract odd like trash does flies, I figured 'what the hell?'. So I shrugged and leaned in closer. This is when she whispered in my ear, "Sweet Pussy."

Ummm....WHAT!?!?!

Certain I had misheard, I asked for a repeat.

"Sweet Pussy."

My eyeballs fell out of my skull.

As I bent to retrieve them from the tiled floor of the Edgewood Kroger, my new, best-smelling senior friend asked me, "now what do you think of that?"

...

My dears, I am not often at a loss for words...but any mention of "pussy" by a woman likely older than my grandmother (though equally inappropriate) knocked me square on my ass...And I should have stayed there. Because granny had one helluva follow-up.

...

"What do you think your man would say if you wore it?"...and then, I CANNOT MAKE THIS UP, she took a knowing glance at my...*ahem*...yeah. Yeah she did.

I'm sure I sputtered. I was--howdoyousay?--flummoxed.

But is this the end of the encounter? Oh no, my friends! No...

"My gentleman friend...he always says I smell so cleeeaaaan. What do you think that means?"

Erin's Mind: "Run Erin! Run NOW!" Erin's mouth: "Umm...I am boy retarded. I never have any idea what they are thinking...so... All I know is that they are pretty and I like to look at them."

"Oh really?," she says with sudden and discomforting interest. "And what about the ladies?"

WHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Is this geriatric, wheelchaired minx propositioning me in the produce isle?!?!?

"Ummm...it takes a very special lady. Very special. I'm pretty keen on the menfolk."

"Oh," she responds. Knowing nod. And as she begins to scuttle away, "Well, you can find sweet pussy in Little 5 Points."

Sure. Sure I can.

But where can I find my wits?

'Cause I seem to have lost them in her sweet pussy...

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