Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Dumpster Diving or Fuck You Vermont!

My parking lot (and the dumpster located conspicuously at its center) is forever full of mysterious and wonderful things.

It's like fucking Narnia out there.

Each morning (or afternoon, depending), as I drag my weary ass out of bed, I get a renewed sense of anticipation as I leash up Melvin for his ritual pee. Euphorically and anew the truth of my bounty washes over me like a love tide: What wonders will the dumpster yield today?

Jewels of the past have included a discarded couch, complete with used condom and a severed vampire head. In April.


So yeah. Dumpster = magic place where dreams come true.


As with all things wonderful, my parking lot has been a little crowded recently. On more than one occasion, I have been forced to park so far up the street as to constitute a "walk."

I have grumbled about this.

I have scowled and glared the Glare of a Thousand Daggers.

On more than one occasion, I have chucked my flop at the cars in my lot with out-of-state tags. "You're not fooling anybody asshole! GO BACK TO VERMONT!"

But while I harbor an unnatural resentment for virtually all of the cars in my lot, recently one particular parker has really chapped my bum.

While others have raised my ire at stupid states like stupid Vermont, this she-devil has caused me to once again question the future of all mankind. Her villainy is so great as to warrant a true evil moniker--BLACK VW. So called for her audacity to 1. drive a black Volkswagon something or other (local tags. Still, "Fuck you, Vermont!) 2. take up space in the world, especially the space by the dumpster where I claim my morning treasures and 3. park directly behind the dumpster, thus making it literally impossible for anyone else to exit the lot. (A villain if there ever was one! I bet that bitch wears tights!)

More than once have I plotted the demise of BLACK VW. More than once have I been denied. For, every morning, there she sits--taunting me. A dark villainess with her proverbial tongue extending from her European "bonnet." Bitch.


As Melvin and I headed out on our usual quest this morning, I noticed my arch nemesis had ONCE AGAIN parked her traitorous German tank directly in front of the dumpster.

The tears welled as I prepared myself to tell Melvin that today would be yet another day of disappointment. That today we had once again been robbed of our joy and splendor by the hellbeast in the BLACK VW. That all was lost because some people were evil people...some people punch puppies and kitties...some people leave babies in dumpsters (OH! Maybe my surprise for tomorrow? *Fingers crossed*)

But as I prepared to once again chuck my flop at the injustice of it all, it happened! There it stood, a beacon in the darkness. A ray of hope amid the world of treachery. A win in the war of BLACK VW versus Good People of the World Everywhere Except Vermont.

It was nothing short of A MIRACLE. There, in pink/purple marker, carved as if by the hand of the Almighty into the side, front and rear windows of the BLACK VW, the immortal words: "You fucking idiot! Don't park here!"


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