Sunday, May 6, 2012

I Am

First let me say, "Thank you for teaching my heart to feel again." Then let me say, "I hope you get mauled by a wombat."

Sick of my heart being treated like a proverbial punching bag, I resorted to hermitude and writing cliches to preserve what was left of my wounded blood organ. Recently I put it out there a little. Again. Which, for me, is ALWAYS a mistake.

There are amazing folks out there. But I consistently hurl myself, hand grenade style, at the baddies. Much like one would expect, the situation always blows up. The shrapnel scars.

Recently, I had an assignment to write a list of all of my positive qualities. I began this list with "I am:" and then proceeded to write a dozen or so of the personal traits I both possess and value. But before I made said list, I was struck by the simple way I started my list.

I. Am.

In English, the simplest expression of a state of being. Literally, "to be." It's the first subject/verb combo we ever learn.

I should have ceased my list there. "To be" is all I really needed, because "to be" is, really, enough. In being--in my very existence--I am enough.

In to Torah, when Moses asked G_d His name, Yaweh answered "I Am That I Am." (Which, let's be honest, is an infuriating answer. A "my name is Pete" would have been much easier.) But, as G_d is as notoriously difficult as Moses is whiny, one must admit there is more truth and depth in the answer, "I Am."

It is the simplest, most straight forward version of expression of presence. "To be" is the essence and the necessary beginning of all things post. One is nothing without first being something. This sounds so resolutely simple, yet we forget it all the time.

Those who are profoundly hurting--those who seek suicide, for example--do so because they seek to cease to be. They seek an end. "I Am" is a continuum.

We do not exist in a vacuum. So long as we continue to be, we also continue to be worthy. This simple fact is most difficult to remember when someone treats you as if you are not a worthwhile investment. But that person, no matter their emotional importance, is not the majority shareholder. I am. And as long as I continue to be, I will continue to invest in me.

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