Monday, January 16, 2012

This Is My Smug Face

Kiss it, bitches!
I, Erin L. Greer, AM A DOMESTIC GODDESS!

Sure, in the past certain forays into domesticity--placing a wet shirt in the microwave, for example--have proven disastrous, but tonight, dear friends, tonight I have conquered new realms!

Tonight I have blazed such trails as to subject Martha Stewart and her ilk to gnashing of teeth and sack cloth-renting status!

TONIGHT I WASHED MY DISHES IN THE BATHTUB!

Sick and tired of hand washing and drying every tea cup, tablespoon and tupperware container, I (the aforementioned Erin L. Greer), decided I could stand it no longer!

So, armed with stockpiles of dirty dishes I clattered my way to the bathroom, where I proceeded to fill the porcelain tub with a bleach/water concoction guaranteed to kill the germs and clear the sinuses.

Crash, clank, bang!

In went my pottery.

I stood back and surveyed the scene.

Yep.

Domestic. Goddess.

Mortals--bow the fuck down! The Master is in the room.

I'm telling you, friends, there were trumpets!

Content in my brilliance and more smug than I should be, I retreated to my room where I commenced to toss and turn in the bed and whine, nasal-like, to my sheets and my walls and my golden-age cinema posters that no one was present to observe the miracle which was currently occurring in the next room.

And then Jeremy showed up.

And I forgot all about it.

Three hours, a sumptuous dinner and a peach tobacco hookah later, I returned home and dressed for bed. My belly was full. My pants were too tight. My mind was hazy. As my father likes to say, it was "Bedtime for Bonzo," and this little monkey was ready to hit the sheets.

Until I went into the bathroom to wash my face.

DEAR GOD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?!?

Nearly knocked on my full-o-Turkish-delights ass by the super smell emanating from behind my sexy red shower curtain, my brain struggled through the fumes to piece together the olfactory puzzle.

"Fuck me, it's the dishes!"

The soaked-in-bleach-for-3-hours dishes...

Brow furrowed and body supported by the bathroom framework, I did what any domestic diva would do. I emptied the tub.

And then filled it back up with dish soap.

And then rinsed the dishes with the shower head.

Tub dishes--OWNED!



2 comments:

  1. This. Was. HILARIOUS! In fact, as I was slowly falling out of my chair from laughing too hard, it occurred to me that this was in fact too funny. But then...I saw the pictures. The pictures! You need your own housekeeping show.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, kindly. Further escapades are sure to follow.

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