Wednesday, November 16, 2011

If only

"If only I could go back and do it over, I would change...": a phrase whose antiquation can only be matched by the close cousin, "If only I could go back and give myself one piece of advice it would be..."

If only...

As a girl who clings to the past and displays a blatant disregard for the present, I literally live in the land of "If only" most of my waking time. I tarry there the way some choose to dally in the den of denial or scrutinize in the cell of cynicism (another frequent hangout of mine. Nice place. Good coffee.)

Unnecessary and irksome alliterative anecdotes aside, I guess you could say I obsess in "if onlys" because I--like so many others--wish I had made different choices. Until today, I was okay with this knowledge.

Today I am not okay.

Today I realized that if only I could go back...If only I could change things...



There are so many things that I could make better. Or, at least, not make worse. There are so many mistakes I could sidestep, so many untaken paths I could choose to travel.

But as of today, I recognize that I COULDN'T make any of those choices and remain who I have become. And what's more important is that I WOULDN'T. As of today, I wouldn't chose to make one thing better. As of today, I choose to take life at its worst. Given the option, I would once again choose to step headlong into those mistakes and leave those rosy paths the hell alone.

I am who I am today because of every one of those missteps, mishaps and mistakes.

I have no advice for a younger me. In fact, I spoke with her earlier today in the car. She asked me for advice, and I refused to offer any. She yelled at me and threatened me with a strong bitchslap. I'd have taken it, except that doing so would've caused a traffic accident.

I've spent my life thinking I needed to change--feeling as if I needed a re-do to be better--as if I needed to make different choices to "come out of this okay" (or alive.)
But I AM okay. I AM alive.

And I am not going to change or apologize unless I want to. Now.

So this is living in the present?

I think I like it.

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