Tuesday, August 16, 2011

To My Ex Landlord--A Love Letter:

1. You know what's soooo attractive? When a grown man whines. You? LOOKIN' MIIIIIGHTY ATTRACTIVE right now...

2. Condolences. I am very sorry for your recent loss. It must be very difficult, and I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through, you know, walking around without your goddamned mind. I've sent flowers. I heard lilies are appropriate for this kind of occasion...

3. I've heard text and FaceBook messages including the phrases "WTF!?!?!" and "Guess it's just not a priority to you" hold up well in court. Professionalism and passive aggressive whining always go over well with judges. Especially female ones. (See #1).

4. Thanks so much for "letting me stay" at your condo for $1,000 a month. How generous! How chivalrous! How downright sacrificial of you! Move over Katharine Drexel! I believe we have found a new Patron Saint of Philanthropy!

5. Cowards air dirty laundry on FaceBook walls. Guess that makes you a...?

6. If you post my private, personal, or financial business on FaceBook again, I will take legal action.


All the best,


  1. None of that would actually be bad or unexpected if you had been renting from a 12 year old that was just trying to figure out all these new emotions. Congrads on being done with that D bag.

  2. Definitely! Hope you enjoy the new place!!