Tuesday, July 5, 2011

"Nearly Naked with Jason Bateman," Or, If You Prefer, "To Touch a Natalie Portman"

In the Kubric-esque reel of my mind, my life and the lives of others are literally played out on the stage. It's lurid, really. Surreal. The curtain rises to lights, music, costumes, ill-timed sound cues and a spotlight--the latter of that list being where I spend most of my time, sweating under the spot for a crowd I cannot see, but for whose eyes and approval I pour out my scripted soul.

And believe me, it IS scripted.

I have no idea what's in the actual soul. And, to my credit, there really is no place for one in the theatre. For what good is my soul to me, when my innate goal is to put on the show that YOU, the audience, wish to see? No. To recognize a real soul would require that I exit the spot and venture backstage, where the sets are revealed for what they truly are--random bits of haphazardly-constructed scraps. The wigs and makeup are off, costumes cast aside.

Somehow I never seem to make it that far...

The blinding light is so much nicer--it's harsh glare blots out my imperfections and hides the techs running around just out of sight, desperately gesturing to one another to raise the flies or place the props.

...

I got the proof of my most recent commercial from my talent agency today.
And, like any other desperately insecure artist, I watched it.

And then I had a nervous breakdown.

...

The remainder of my afternoon was spent between sleep and self-righteous self-loathing. You know, those gratuitous displays of utter disgust flung at the mirror because it simply REFUSES to reflect the you that you want to see? Yes. All my imperfections held aloft and picked apart under the magnifying glass of my own gaze. Knowing all the while that if I just looked like Adriana Lima, SOMEHOW things would be different.

It's a child's tantrum. An indulgence little different than Lindt Lindor Truffles and equally as guilt-ridden.

...

I get cast for nude or implied nude roles.
A lot.

Know that movie that's coming out--The Change Up--with Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman? Yeah. I was cast to do the nude work for the woman playing J.B.'s wife. And that sexy guy from True Blood? Yeah. I was cast as his mistress (implied nude scenes) in a movie he just filmed.

Seems everybody wants to see my ass.

No one wants to see my face.

...

As the oldest of six kids, I am well-aware of the fact that everyone has their place. Me? I am the funny one. The pretty one? Well, that'd be my sister Cason. She's the face...the pretty, pretty face...

...

Know what my mother said to me once? She said that there are women in this world with beautiful bodies, and women with beautiful faces. "Erin," she said, "You have a beautiful body."...

...

Black Swan. Mila Kunis. Natalie Portman.
Mila radiates sex appeal, but Natalie...Natalie is the face...

Like Helen who launched the thousand ships, Natalie Portman's face is a symphony of grace, elegance and intelligence. To see her is to stare endlessly. And stare is all one can do. Much like a porcelain doll, Portman's delicate beauty is off limits to oafs like myself. To touch her is to break her, and to break such beauty is a sin akin to killing a mocking bird.

...

The spot is bright as I write this. I sense you in the audience. I feel you losing interest. Time now to change gears. Time for the variety show or the comic relief. Send in the clowns...

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