Friday, March 4, 2011

Nada Compass

I'd like to say that I once had dreams and goals and ambitions.
And that I lost them.
Likely through some terrible tragedy...Terrible tragedies, it seems, are always the impetus for such things.
And--for those of you steeped in irony on this Friday afternoon--they also seem to function as the impetus for getting out of said lost state.

Tragedies--they get you in, they get you out.

I may copyright that.

But the truth is, it wasn't a terrible tragedy that duel impetized (a word also now copyrighted) my lack of direction.
I never had one.

Sure, I wanted to accept an Oscar. I'd look amazing, of course. In high school the Oscar would have been for Best Actress. Here lately, for Best Screenplay. Either way, I'd have the tears and the fabulous dress and the witty-yet-heartfelt acceptance speech that all the rags would clamor for.

I just ended a sentence in a preposition. Not my finest hour. Never going to win an Oscar that way. Or a Pulitzer Prize.

Not that they've offered me one.

Yet.

Guess you could say I am in a weird place.
I know what I like...I just don't know what I want to do.
I've always struggled with it.

So "do what you like," right?
That's the conventional wisdom.

So let's see. What I like:
Boats
Crossword puzzles
Theatre
Literature
Dancing
Acting
Writing, writing, writing
My friends
My family
Travel

So I could do--boats. Can one "do" a noun? More commonly, one "does" verbs. I shall have to work on this.

I could do--crossword puzzles. And I do. And they are fun. And I have yet to receive a paycheck from one. Perhaps this option is not financially viable.

I could do theatre. I DO do theatre. And yet my family still frets that I have no direction. I guess playing the bimbo in various musicals and holiday shows doesn't count as "direction."

I could do literature--but I think the eligibility requirements mandate that I have been dead for at least 100 years by now.

Dancing. Like that. Still do it. But my boobs are too big (Thanks for that assessment Atlanta Ballet!).

Acting--Lord love it, I'm trying.

Writing, writing, writing--what do you think I'm currently doing, doing doing?

My friends--can't do them. It'd be awkward.

My family--even more so.

I could do travel. I want to do travel. But--and I am breaking down for mush here--what good is it to see the world if you have no one to share it with? Ok, I can't meditate on that...

So I think you may be starting to see my conundrum. (Yes, Kiff, we have one). I have some spectacular interests that bring me to spectacular people. I just don't seem to have an internal compass that tells me which way to point.

I am sans compass.
Compassless.
Nada compass.
No compass pas.

And I've never been much good at astrology.

Which pretty much leaves me here:
At the juxtaposition of 1 across-- clue:"The subject of this essay"--4 letters--answer: "Erin" and 1 down-- clue:"The meaning of life", I think I have found the answer.

4 letters.

E-R-I-N.

5 comments:

  1. no direction? i beg to differ!
    you've got plenty of direction, it's just a matter of which one to choose. how many actors started out on stage and ended in film? how many writers end up appearing in their own work? how many actors are professional dancers? you've got PLENTY of ways you can go, just DO it! do it all! so the ballet has a hard on for flat girls, do something more modern. if you want to dance, there's NOTHING stopping you. if you want to write, write about everything that comes to your mind. tell about your experiences working on films, paint beautiful literary pieces with your words to express yourself. go all Nike on it and JUST DO IT!

    and as for "doing" other things, you should probably change the word "doing"... like with boats... "doing boats" sounds like you have some type of fetish. try "sailing", sailing's fun, and it knocks out your Traveling too! bam! two checks! and according to your facebook, you DO have someone to go with. i guarantee you they'll want to go with you if you have a plan.

    you do have a compass, but you don't know how to read it. once you find north, you have a world of possibilities open to you! just try out the different directions and see which one fits. you're a beautiful and talented woman, you'll find something to be passionate about that you have a talent with and brings you joy in your life. you just need motivation.

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  2. Why not do all of them. I have the same problem. I enjoy doing so much and am damn good at a lot of things, but there is no ONE thing that calls to me.

    So I have decided that I am just going to do all of them! why not? Life is short and I am striving to experience as much as possible before it is over.

    Oh and you can totally "do" your friends without it being awkward. I know from experience. lol.

    But seriously. I find that when I feel like this it is better to just relax. And I mean really relax. Stressing doesn't help anything.

    Above all know that you are loved!!! No matter what.

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  3. YES,MY GIRL,KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED. LOVED SO MUCH THAT SOMETIMES IT HURTS JUST TO SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL AND TALENTED YOU ARE AND YOU ARE STRONG, KEEPING GOING EVEN WHEN YOU FELT LIKE GIVING UP. READING YOUR FRIENDS' POSTS SHOULD REMIND YOU OF HOW MUCH YOU ARE LOVED AND IN THE END THAT IS REALLY ALL THAT MATTERS. YOU ARE ALL THAT IS GOOD IN ME AND MY PRIDE HAS NO BOUNDS. LOVE YOU ALWAYS.

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  4. We are all meant to drift at some point. The safe harbor may lie in the Harbor of Craziness, as these ladies have discovered: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=um6q_j40Pl0

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  5. I understand this issue. Direction has always been my issue. I seem have to my share fair of talent and motivation once I find my direction.

    For someone like you that has so many talents, it can be suffocating to try to manage all the options for thei value, interest & feasability.

    I agree with previous posters. Do it all. If you pick just one you are limiting yourself. Odds are you won't be successful at all of them, but by doing them all...damning the torpedoes and persisting, the actual genuine opportunities will present themselves.

    My money is on the fact that you already know this. We just need to be reminded every now and then.

    M

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