Monday, November 1, 2010

So I almost got arrested...

So I almost got arrested.

For attempting to take Christ home.
In a very literal sense.

So I was driving...and lo and behold! What do I see on the side of the road, but Christ! Or, at least, a sign supporting Him for State Senate...

Sure. Go ahead. Read that last sentence over a few times. I can wait.

Yep. Apparently our Lord and Savior HAS returned--and, upon His arrival, has decided that the Peach State alone, above all the world, NEEDS His help.

Spurred (likely by The Holy Ghost), I decide I am going to steal this sign and take it home. Because if Christ has given up knocking on the doors of hearts in favor of pleading for acceptance through the ballot box well--then He is the Son of God, and who am I to question? (What can I say? The Man's got my vote.)

So I begin with the covert ops. Stealthily, I have (a certain accomplice who will remain unnamed) pull up in front of the green and white sign, which is nestled amidst the signs of lesser opponents. I had hoped for a drive by, complete with tuck and roll 007 style, but "Accomplice" pulled to a complete stop.


Undaunted, I leaped from the car, bounded to the sign, heaved it from the ground, and, when returning to the car with my Divine Prize--was stopped by the arrival of two police officers.

Neither looked happy.

Feverishly, I began to contemplate a plan to cover my sin... "Quick," I ask myself, "What would Jesus do?" My answer? "Come clean."

So, naturally, I did the opposite.

"Hello officer."

"What are you doing?"

"Oh. I just wanted to get a picture with this sign."


"Because it's funny."

"Why is it funny?"

"Because it says 'Christ for State Senate'."

"And WHY is that funny?"

Ok. Seriously. WHY is that funny? WHY is that funny? (Hold on, it gets better!)

"Because it says..."

"Look, ma'am, all we need is for some opponent of the candidate to see you stealing the sign, and then there'd be a suit. You might support his opponent."

And then I come up with the comedy coup de etat. Did I honestly say the following to an officer of the law who had caught me stealing? You're damned right I did...

"Oh, don't worry officer. I am not anti-Christ."


Ha! Ha!


And this point I could not help but laugh. Literally laugh at my own cleverness in the face of jail time. And what does my truly rapier wit elicit from the officer?

Dead. Silence.
Nary a cricket to even help me out.

"Put the sign back."

"But sir..."

"Put the sign back."

"Well, can I at least get my picture with it first?"


Damn. It.

I walk back to the scene of the crime.
I replace the Evangelical sign foretelling of our impending salvation from record unemployment, out of control state spending, and abysmal test scores.
I stump back to the car.

"The sign fell down."

"Excuse me?"

"The sign fell down. Fix it."

Erin's mind: "FUCK NO!" Erin's mouth (which is none smarter than her mind): "You CAN'T be serious."

Again at this juncture you may be asking yourself: "Did Erin really just say that to a policeman who caught her stealing?"
Again I answer, "you're damned right I did."

Stump back to the sign. Pick up the sign. Deliberately push sign into the ground with disdain which completely oversteps the bounds of obnoxious. Glare at officer. Literally say out loud: "Better?" Stump back to the car. Slam door. Drive away.

I did not get arrested.

And they say Christ no longer performs miracles?
I say I was the first to receive one.

Christ for State Senate!

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